Roles real and imagined

I was talking to someone about how we were when we were younger. This person, like myself, had moved quite a few times in her childhood, especially her teen years. This afforded her an opportunity to consciously change who she was several times. An opportunity most of us get to do only once, when we leave home for college, work, or to join the armed forces.

It's funny, but moving a lot kind of lets you practice, lets you realize how flexible a person's self can be, how different places bring out different things in people. It especially lets you see how certain things can actually make you worse, or bring out bad things, then learn how to recover, and how to recognize those things later. A great many people in my life can't seem to see that sort of thing and are baffled when they keep making the same mistake about themselves or other people over and over again. And, oddly enough, these are the same people who grew up where they now live, never moving. Hell, several of them have never really travelled except to see disneyland.

It's kind of weird really, moving a lot as a kid. As if, when you're young, you have a sense of place, a sort of global positioning that can be kind of critical to one's self image. I am this and I am from here and this is what we do. When I am not from there anymore, what am I, where am I from now, what do I do? Set adrift from that collective identity, it sort of isolates and frees the repeatedly new kid from the bonds of locale and lets them see a few things most kids don't see. It also really adds to a kid's sense of loneliness and deepens that sense of being misunderstood.

I, for one, began to see patterns, sort of high school eco-niches. Later, watching teen movies (and then even later, movies that mock teen movies) I saw those sterotypes being pointed out. Everyone around me (in that locale, at that time), was stunned as they recognized certain characteristics in their friends and family. Oh my gahd, that is totally like Jimmy, or Shelly, or Jan. Um, yeah, that's the point. But if you never leave town, you wouldn't realize how similar each small town is. Each with the prerequisite bully that grows up to control the town council, the party guy that grows up to be the town drunk, the charming jock flirt that grows up to be the town philanderer and wildly succesful car salesman, the school slut that grows up to be, well, a slut. Only a slut that's divorced and has pre-pubescent daughters, in beauty pageants, named destinee or porsche. Interersting how the niches created at school have their corresponding postions in adulthood.

It's funny, but I wonder if we, the one's who wandered as children (generally not of our own volition), ever ended up playing any of the sterotypical roles necessary in a small town? I figure that they often didn't, because you generally have to be inside the system to find your role. If you are lucky though you can come into a town and find yourself a niche that no one else is occupying, like class clown, or smart kid. But then, when you move again, you might find that niche that worked for you before is now successfully held by someone who belongs there, who was born and raised inside that system. ( And remember, the system protects its own) Then what do you do? Recognize that and try for something else, or fail, and mope, and be unpopular? It happens.

I lived in a situation that afforded me a chance to move what some might call many times. Eventually I came to realize things that have left me permanently on the outside of most local social ecosystems. At least emotionally. I find myself playing certain roles in certain groups at certain times and realizing, part way through, what's going on. But I always notice it at some point, like I am living in a waking dream. It leaves me cynical, lemme tell you. Also, I can see clear patterns of people getting finished with each other, as one stereotype plays out against another. There is nowhere else for those roles to go, and the people who fill them are left having to deal with the aftermath. They secretly regret it. Heck part way through one or both of them wished they didn't have to do it. But they did. They actually didn't have to, not really. They could have stopped at any time, apologized, mentioned that it was stupid, but to do that would be too "out of character" would be admitting that they were more than their roles. Most people feel they are living "up to everyone's expectations." It's hard to believe that they are really living down to them.

Another thing that is a bummer with that is most people who stay put in their lives can find themselves trapped in a role-- I can't do that. I just can't. How many times have you heard that from someone? They can, you know they can, but they won't because that's not what *they do*. They are their role. They don't realize that that is not all that they are. That they can be something else if they want to. They don't need to move away, or be asked to do something in a time of crisis to change. Most things in their roles boil down to conventions. Conventionally, the shy one never does public speaking. That is too brazen, too confident. They could never do that. The school ditz, the one who is good at cheerleading, (she's been told she's stupid but that's okay because she's pretty) can't be good at math, she just can't. But she's not that stupid. When she was young she didn't pay attention, but it turns out that she scored the highest in her class on the SATs. She didn't tell anyone because she didn't want anyone to think she was a geek. She was too into her role. Then, when she could do a difficult job that took real smarts, she is either told she can't because of her role, or she herself is convinced she can't because she believes she is her role. It happens over and over. The battered wife, the born loser. If they are convinced that's what they are, then that is what they are. Never mind that one is incredibly good at math, can sing like an angel, or is an incredible athlete. Those abilities never get developed because they don't fit the role.

Sometimes people are shocked by unconventional behavior. Fine. Let them be. Sometimes, to get things done, convention must be broken. If it isn't a rule then go ahead, break through that invisible wall and just do it. It's innovative, to think outside the box, right?

Yes, as long as you don't make waves.

And this is a lesson I have learned in my life. -That society is made up of common roles.
-That society can be anything from three people to three million people, as long as they have to commonly interact and/or depend on one another on a regular basis.
-That people need to make assumptions as to where others fit into society in order to be able to work around them.
- That knowing that, circumstances can be analyzed and roles can be assumed that allow others to make assumptions in such a manner that facilitates any success required, mine, their's, ours, whatever. As long as the role does not cause friction amongst others in the society, a great deal of things can be tolerated.
-That societies, although made up of individuals, think like a mob, or a single large animal, and in some situations can be controlled and managed as such. Remember to do nothing unexpected, that falls out of pattern for your role. Society abhors an abberation. Like a large beast, it senses weakness, a flaw in a healthy pattern, and can become anxious, uncertain, or aggressive. Roles, once adopted in a society, generally cannot be changed. Some people who find themselves in a role that doesn't really suit them might seek an outlet that lets them exercise other talents or aspects of their personality. That does possibly lead to someone living compartmented lives though. Shy accountant by day, Riverdancer by night. Someone you met as a quiet, self effacing college student who spends her nights being a bawdy stripper. "If people only knew," you could almost hear them say. It is hard to change roles once everyone sees you in one. People don't really like change.

Which brings me back to kids that move a lot. Kids don't like change either. Not really, not until they are ready for it. It leaves them frayed, lost and shaken. Adults don't like change and often respond with aggression, children tend to respond with submission, with introversion. It's rough and can leave scars on a child if done too early, too often, too abruptly, or too completely.

But change is necessary, you need it to learn to be both flexible and strong. Like tempering a blade in fire, or heating pottery in a kiln. Time and exposure will harden a boy into a man, but if you want real pliable strength, expose children to change as often as possible. Let them learn what they can and can not do without the safety, expectations, and limitations of their childhood roles. Encourage them to step out and try. Believe me, there are those out there who will not believe they can until they do. And they won't do until they have to. Let those children practice being other things-- stronger, weaker, proud or not-- before push comes to shove and lives are on the line. You never know when aspects of an odd role or two will come in handy in the here and now, a million years and miles away from when you first tried them as a child. A skill is a skill, the more you learn, the more you do. The more you do, the more you are. I think, maybe, that roles are temporary, almost imaginary, to be used when necesary to work with a group to get something done. If they don't fit you, don't wear them. It confuses people and chafes too.

-callahan